Challenge everything you think you know about marriage happiness—it's not the absence of drama, it's truly thriving. Discover why "compromise" therapy fails and what real joy looks like.
Before you read another 'research', 'study' or 'survey' on marriage, ask yourself these two questions:
1. How do you define happiness?
2. What does it mean to thrive in marriage?
Recently read another "research" on what makes a great marriage. However, it made an important mistake I have seen in every other research I have read on this subject.
They neglected to define marriage happiness/success!
Or they define it based on popularity of what the surveyed believe is happiness. For example, of 1000 people surveyed, say that loyalty or humility are what makes a great marriage.
But there is a problem with this:
The fact someone says loyalty or humility is number one suggests to me that there has been a significant amount of betrayal in these areas. This isn't happiness, it's avoiding or managing a fear.
This is huge!
Most individuals say they are happy in a marriage or that a marriage is successful when what they really mean is there is an absence of drama or sadness.
Question 1: "In general, how often do you feel happy in your marriage?"
70-80%
The answers are almost always between 70-80%
Question 2: "In general, how often do you feel like you thrive in marriage?"
There is usually a blank stare and a little confusion.
0-10%
Once clarified, the answer to the question about happiness is usually in the 0-10% range (closer to zero)
After seeking clarification on their definition of happiness, their version of happiness is almost always described as:
A lack of drama or bad days!
An absence of bad in a marriage is not happiness.
It's a break in the storm.
This is not a thriving marriage.
This is the confusion in marriage research and surveys. If you fail to define happiness you are only developing interventions, tools and suggestions to maintain tolerance to manage the "bad" in a marriage.
That is depressing.
Additionally, many Marriage/Couple therapists make the same mistake. These are those who often focus on:
"Compromise"
"Better communication"
"Tolerance"
This is a form of managing the bad.
Although they might see temporary success, resentment usually grows and these couples eventually experience more issues and begin to see therapy as unhelpful.
Unfortunately, as a result of a therapist failing to properly define happiness.
Many begin to believe or have convinced themselves that thriving in marriage is a fairy-tale and that real marriage is just hard.
The Truth:
I agree, even great marriages are hard. But even when it's hard, you can be happy and thrive. When you give up this hope you then settle for a marriage of tolerance and management, not joy.
There are few things more wonderful to see than an individual/couple put off these diluted versions of happiness and embrace real happiness and thrive in their marriage.
Experience marriage counseling that goes beyond tolerance and compromise to real joy and thriving
Marriage research fatally fails by not defining happiness—most people report 70-80% "happiness" but only 0-10% truly "thriving" because they've confused absence of drama with real joy. This confusion leads therapists to focus on compromise, communication, and tolerance—merely managing the bad instead of creating thriving relationships. The result: temporary success followed by growing resentment, convincing couples that real marriage is just hard tolerance. Truth: even great marriages are hard, but you CAN be truly happy and thrive—not just survive breaks in the storm.